RIP Grace Paley



This Life

My friend tells me
a man in my house jumped off the roof
the roof is the eighth floor of this building
the roof door was locked how did he manage?
his girlfriend had said goodbye I'm leaving
he was 22
his mother and father were hurrying
at that very moment
from upstate to help him move out of Brooklyn
they had heard about the girl

the people who usually look up
and call jump jump did not see him
the life savers who creep around the back staircases
and reach the roof's edge just in time
never got their chance he meant it he wanted
only one person to know

did he imagine that she would grieve
all her young life away tell everyone
this boy I kind of lived with last year
he died on account of me

my friend was not interested he said you're always
inventing stuff what I want to know how could he throw
his life away how do these guys do it
just like that and here I am fighting this
ferocious insane vindictive virus day and
night day and night and for what? for only
one thing this life this life

Grace Paley

God Talk


Mother Theresa stopped feeling god's presence in 1959. Yet she continued on as a conduit of god's work even while she doubted his existence. Well, that's how she saw it. Doing good things for other people should secure your place in heaven whether you believe in God or not I have always believed. I guess to do the kind of work Mother Theresa did without assurance that God existed must have been incredibly difficult. Read some excerpts of her personal letters and wonder at a few things. In an exchange with Jesus, she says Jesus calls her a weak sinner and her recounting of what else he said makes Jesus sound a)incredibly manipulative and b) a guilt monger. That kind of god I don't want to believe in. Also, why did Mother Theresa expect to be perenially in God's grace? Maybe after actually conversing with God you can't bear not having more contact, kind of like a drug addict. I think though that any contact with god, or experiencing god's presence, is a gift. Why expect it to go on indefinately? I felt god once, as a child, and that's why I believe in her/him. I don't feel any less loved because he/she hasn't shown himself/herself again. Maybe if I lived the way Sister Theresa did I would expect to be in God's grace from time to time. After all, I don't spend anytime striving toward god's presence, which perhaps will mark me as a "weak sinner" in the afterlife.

I don't know what is up with all the Jesus talk in this blog lately. You'd think I went to church or believed there was a Jesus. I don't do either. I just know that there is something beyond this place, that is overwhelming love and acceptance, because I caught a glimpse of it when I was 10 years old. May Mother Theresa be hanging out poolside with Jesus even as we speak!

God Gave A Loaf To Every Bird

God gave a loaf to every bird,
But just a crumb to me;
I dare not eat it, though I starve,--
My poignant luxury
To own it, touch it, prove the feat
That made the pellet mine,--
Too happy in my sparrow chance
For ampler coveting.

It might be famine all around,
I could not miss an ear,
Such plenty smiles upon my board,
My garner shows so fair.
I wonder how the rich may feel,--
An Indiaman--an Earl?
I deem that I with but a crumb
Am sovereign of them all.

Emily Dickinson

Part One: Life

XIX


Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain

Emily Dickinson

One Hand

This entry is being typed with one hand and will be short. Thursday night Jack accidently slammed his bedroom door on my left middle finger. Piece of finger flew off with nail. Trip to hospital via ambulance ensued. Overnight stay and operation in morning to reconstruct finger. End too mashed to put back on. Pain. Meds that don't do much for pain. This sucks! Weezer Jr. and Porters angels. LiaLia too. Thought Mrs. Porter was going to faint when I took my maimed self across street, freaked kiddies entow. Kudos to Jack for finding finger and putting in frozen waffle box. Hand now wrapped like mummy. Wonder if the compassionate Social Security Experts at Binder and Binder are going to fire me. Can't type fast of course. Jesus this hurts like a bitch. Maybe I should have been more reverant toward The Infant of Prague. I DO think his velvet cape is slammin'! Jesus, did you catch that? Saw shadowy figure of man in button up shirt and chinos in the hosp. twice, in corner of my eye. Then he disappeared. Course, could have been the morphine. Or person who died in my hosp. room. Or Jesus in his casual best! Ow ow ow ow...

Blessed is the ATM in Stop and Shop




A miracle has occured. A child support miracle! I was in the supermarket, doing the usual conservative, what's on sale, shop. In addition, buying school supplies and hoping to god there was at least 90 dollars in child support account to offset school supplies. Go to ATM to check, prepared for zero balance. and OH MY GOD, it is almost $800.00. Yes folks, EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS. My first thought, it's a mistake. My second thought, who cares, CHECK OUT NOW. Cannot fathom how that much money got in there unless Chrissy got a tax return check that was confiscated. Can you say "hurray for the Child Support Enforcement Bureau!?" Mommy is now going to shop for shelving for the babes so I can get their belongs out of boxes. And new sneaker shop is scheduled for tomorrow. La la la. Imagine being so happy they day before returning to work from vacation. God is good. Or perhaps is was the Infant of Prague who sat in on my last "channel the dead" session. The Infant was hanging with Big Jesus and his pet lamb. And no, Jr. I am not going to burn in hell as I have been informed that Jesus has a sense of humor. And you're the one who wanted to know if Jesus kept his lamb on a rope. I would write more about Oregon but I am too hysterical right now....okay, I learned in Oregon that their are tons of varieties of blueberries. One tasted like it had basil in it. Gotta go!

Oregon and Back



Back from the beautiful Northwest. Oregon is blue skies and pine trees and mountains. And then the craggy coastline, all crashing waves and sea lions and coastal touritst towns. Had my fortune told by Zoltar and bought the kids salt water taffy. Spent a morning raspberry picking which hurtled me back to berry picking in 1967 here on L.I. Forget how serene and spiritual, for lack of a better word, berry picking can be. Didn't even mind the bugs! Jogi and Michael have what amounts to a small estate in Abany, OR; bout an hour outside Portland. Fruit trees everywhere and a huge lake where I saw a beaver swimming, a passel of racoons foraging in the early morning, and a blue heron flapping across the water, showing off its huge wing span. The food I ate was all incredibly fresh and delicious. Had brunch at a farm that served an omelet full of vegetables that I swear had been pulled right out the ground prior to being put into my eggs. LOVED Portland. Had to get used to the lack of people though, at first it looked like it had been deserted. Just used to the teeming sidewalks of NYC I guess. Incredibly friendly people smiling and saying hello right and left. Made me uncomfortable at first. But soon I was saying hello and smiling right back. Portland would be an excellent place to live. If BFI falls off the dock and drowns his drunken self, I will move the kids there! Mass transit is FREE in the city proper, which blew me away. There are trains, trolleys, and buses. As the city is small enough to walk around in in about 30 minutes these seemed very luxurious to me, all that mass transit. There is even a sky tram! Saw the Chinese Tea Garden, where Jogi and I had tea. It smelled incredibly sweet, frangipangi and gardenias. It was built by architects from China, a meticulous recreation of an ancient teahouse. Also went to the Fine Arts Museum and saw a Rembrandt show curiously devoid of Rembrandts. Adored the Dutch still lifes (lives?). Didn't know a still life could be a pronoucement on life. Found out that a half-eaten meal in a painting could represent life’s uncertainty or serve as a call for moderation. Perused Renoirs, Monets, Pissaros and other works of art I had never seen before. Jogi bought me an abalone shell bracelet, and one for herself. We wore our matching bracelets to an Italian restaurant called Pinocchio's. Cocktails and pasta and chocolate orange gelato. It was so much fun hanging out with Johanna. I miss that girl's company. She and Michael were excellent hosts. Their home is beautiful and gracious. Every morning we had breakfast outside facing the lake. Michael's home baked bread and Jogi's own strawberry jam. Paradise. I even made jam, raspberry jam, and it was delicious. Lots of shopping. Scored a gray silk Calvin Klein skirt from "Nordstrom's Off the Rack" for an incredible 25 bucks. Went antiquing in Albany and saw Jogi and Michael's antigue stall. Loved the freaky mannequin dressed in aprons as the flight attendant uniform she started out in had been bought by someone. In one store Jogi brought a tea towel with a singing piece of toast dressed to the nines. Went to a farmer's market in the hippie town of Corvallis. Saw people taking turns orating in a park in a roped off area marked "Community Forum." Bought a lavendar wand from a lavendar farm stall and Jogi and Michael and I scarfed a bag of fresh made, gourmet potatoe chips. Mountains at the ends of streets. Had incredibly good indian food for very little money. Who knew turnips in sweet yogurt sauce could be a transcendent experience? I am still jet lagged and will write more about everything later. Kids and I together again and I'm glad. Really missed them.

Question and Answer on the Mountain

You ask for what reason I stay on the green mountain,
I smile, but do not answer, my heart is at leisure.
Peach blossom is carried far off by flowing water,
Apart, I have heaven and earth in the human world.

Li Bai